Quotes, Quotations and Sayings

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars'

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, 'Well, technically that's illegal.' It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife Trust me, it's not.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. 'Sorry,' he said with a smile.

There is nothing sadder than a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up little guy.

A torn jacket is soon mended but hard words bruise the heart of a child.

A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child.

I could have spoken from Rhode Island where I have been staying ... But I felt that, in speaking from the house of Lincoln, of Jackson, and of Wilson, my words would better convey both the sadness I feel in the action I was compelled today to make and the firmness with which I intend to pursue this course until the orders of the federal court at Little Rock can be executed without unlawful interference. (On sending troops to enforce integration in Little Rock AR High School)

Let's be honest Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves

To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests Just a big bag of blood.

Karen: "You talk so much!" Jackie: "I have so much to say!

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Jack You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before

You know what would make a good story Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

The age demanded that we dance and jammed us into iron pants. And in the end the age was handed the sort of shit that it demanded.

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.

Happiness is working with Jack Lemmon.

Jack You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, 'Congratulations, it's a girl,' I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, 'A girl You must have me mixed up with THAT dork' and point to another father.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary

One cannot but wonder at this constantly recurring phrase getting something for nothing, as if it were the peculiar and perverse ambition of disturbers of society. Except for our animal outfit, practically all we have is handed us gratis. Can the most complacent reactionary flatter himself that he invented the art of writing or the printing press, or discovered his religious, economic, and moral convictions, or any of the devices which supply him with meat and raiment or any of the sources of such pleasure as he may derive from literature or the fine arts? In short, civilization is little else than getting something for nothing.

There is no such thing, at this date of the world's history, in America, as an independent press. You know it and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write your honest opinions, and if you did, you know beforehand that it would never appear in print. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper I am connected with. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar things, and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allowed my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before twenty-four hours my occupation would be gone. The business of the journalists is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of mammon, and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press We are the tools and vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks, they pull the strings and we dance. Our talents, our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head'. Normally, you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly' I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.

If you are a happy employee does that make you 'gruntled' ?;"Jack Handey

The honor of my race, family and self is at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will. My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field. Every time the ball is snapped, I will be trying to do more than my part...Fight low, with your eyes open and toward the play. Watch out for crossbucks and reverse end runs. Be on your toes every minute if you expect to make good. Jack.

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules First, calm down second, come over and wash my car third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Joe: What is known as the United States' attic? Andy: Massachusetts? Joe: No, the Smithsonian. (Later...) Andy: What was the name of Barbara Walters' first television partner? Joe: Jack Dempsey?;"During a game of Trivial Pursuit at 2 in the morning.

What is your major malfunction numb-nuts? Didn't mommy and daddy give you enough attention when you were a child? ;"Full Metal Jacket