Quotes, Quotations and Sayings

Steve's Girlfriend: "I'll have the chicken sandwich.

It looks good. The market's happy.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add?;"Steven Wright

The menu said, 'Breakfast served any time'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance.

This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I plan to live forever, so far so good.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?;"Steven Wright

Steve: You couldn't do that because mine would be solid. Ellie: It would have a bottom? Eek!

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday-Steven Wright

Why do you see babies at the beach? What have they done to earn a vacation?;"Steven Wright

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in?;"Steven Wright

If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope for advance Orville Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?;"Stephen Wright

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to critize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?;"Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark ?;"Stephen Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?;"Steven Wright

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Is "tired old cliche" one?;"Steven Wright

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

On her first meeting with he ex-husband, Steven Seagal He reminded me of an alien.

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. When I got a full house, 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, "Now, you two share.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The Wright brothers flew through the smoke screen of impossibility.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I bought a blank tape, took it home and played it at full volume. My neighbor complained. Turns out he's a mime.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.